Ask Tia Juana

     Tia Juana will cheerfully provide advice for anyone that asks.  Just mail your questions to “Ask Tia Juana” at PO Box 8, Van Horn, Texas 79855.  All questions will remain anonymous unless there is a chance for extortion.  Disclaimer:  Tia Juana is not a licensed counselor or therapist and none of the advice should be considered professional.

Dear Tia,

I am almost too embarrassed to ask you for advice, but my situation has become so bad that I don’t know where else to turn.  The problem is my husband, who has what has to be the worst gas problem in the world!  I don’t care what he eats, it always causes gas—and it is not your little toots every now and then.  It is either silent killers, that quietly envelope me like a green cloud, or loud, thunderous bombs that bring tears to my eyes.  It’s like living in a methane gas plant and I am going broke buying cans of air spray and candles to hide the smell that always seems to linger.  Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Tooty Frooty

Dear Tooty,

I smell and feel your pain.  While someone else’s gas is annoying and disgusting, it could also be a sign of a more serious health problem.  There are several potential causes of the toxic gas, including lactose intolerance or carbohydrate intolerance.  It could also be a symptom of gall bladder disease, so try to be a bit more tolerant of your malodorous partner.  Try buying Lactaid and cooking low carb meals.  Send him for a test for celiac disease, which is a condition where gluten cannot be metabolized.  You could also invest in a respirator mask or banish your gassy partner to a designated room where your hubby can “cut the cheese” without the danger of asphyxiating anyone.  In any case, after a few years of inhalation, your nose will become accustomed to the familiar smell and it will not be as offensive as it is now.  Hang in there till then!